I Shall Not Want

This song.  Wow this song.  Listen to it.

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

No, I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

 

This song has been going through my head non-stop since first hearing it on Sunday.  Not only is the music breathtakingly stunning, but the words are heart-wrenchingly convicting.

It is so hard to get everything I need from God.  I am constantly searching for the approval of others, for the need to be known and understood by those around me.  Why does that matter?  It shouldn’t, but it does.  Why can’t I let it go?  Why can’t I be satisfied knowing who I am, and knowing that I’ve done what God has asked of me?  Why do I need more?

Deliver me, O God.

My ego is a petulant child.  My ego is weak.

Deliver me, O God.

It is weakness to need approval.  Approval is always temporary; you can never, ever get enough.  Why do I fall into the trap of needing something that is as permanent as water going through a sieve?  I know it’s ridiculous.  I know it’s unhelpful.  I know it’s defeating me.  I know it’s stopping me from being happy and fulfilled, yet I still fall for it.

Deliver me, O God.

A good thing elevated to the best thing is a bad thing.

Being praised by others isn’t bad, it’s quite nice really.  Being in a mutually positive relationship where you build each other up is a wonderful thing.  The issue comes when we need that approval and praise to be ok.  If we don’t get the praise we crave or expect, does that dampen our experience?  Does it change how we feel about what we’ve done?  If what we did was good and right, it shouldn’t change the way we feel about ourselves if others don’t acknowledge us.  But of course if does.  Of course it does.

Deliver me, O God.

It’s so easy to be comfortable and stay in your familiar rut.  Even overseas in a place like this ruts develop.  I don’t want to be comfortable; I want to be where God wants me, doing what God asks of me.  It’s so much easier not to change my life, to remain the same, but I never want to just do the easy thing; I always want to do the right thing.

Deliver me, O God.

It’s so easy to rationalise my behaviour.  “Oh, it’s not that bad.  At least I’m not as bad as…”, but that’s never the point is it?  My life should not be measured against the actions of others, it should be measured by the standards of God.  I am not in competition with anyone else.  I am being asked to be the best version of me that I can be.  I am being asked to reach the potential that God has given me.  I am not in competition with anyone else.  The judgements of others do not define me or my worth.

Deliver me, O God.

I will keep listening to this song until it sinks deep into my soul.

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